Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room

I feel so special.

I've never been tagged for a meme before, so this is all new to this wise-cracking, bitter, old housewife. Courtesy of Michelle at Meanderings, let's see what I can do with this.

If I could be an Professor, I'd infiltrate some really insanely liberal school, one of those colleges with a high moonbat:normal ratio, dressed like a typical moonbat professor of Post-Columbian Non-Aboriginal Intergender Political Appreciation. I would show up with fuzzy hair, large dangly earings, a braided leather cord around my neck with shards of old flowerpot hanging on it, a pocketed t-shirt with no bra, and a skirt made from about an acre of hand-painted batik gauze.

My classes would be filled with angry women of ambiguous sexuality and neutered men. Any of them with half a lick of sense would fail the course, be booted from school, and encouraged to get a real degree. The rest of the class would be forced to read every book written by Thomas Sowell, the entire Federalist Papers, and watch John Wayne war movies. Their semester final thesis would be a defense of the Fair Tax, the Death Penalty, Secure National Borders, or a detailed analysis of the Dan Rather Memo Scandal.

If I could be a Librarian, the library would have to contain a sizable collection of porn Erotic Literature, hand selected by me and my literary compatriot, Velociman, purely for it's tittilation factor.

If I could be a TV-Chat show host, it would feature Catfish as my co-host, a dunk tank filled with "Home Made Wine" and a band comprised of Farookin Jim, Acidman, Denny, and Neil. Their costumes would be vintage Earth, Wind, and Fire with the asses cut out. If a guest pissed me off, my bouncer, Dog the Bounty Hunter, would pitch them into the dunk tank and the audience would bid for the honor of dunking that guest. All proceeds from the Dunk Tank would go to fund scholarships for military dependents.

If I could be an Athlete, well, the world as we know it will have ended, because this is so far from the realms of both Possibility and Imagination as to transcend Myth.

If I could be a Bonnie Pirate, I'd sail the seas with El Capitan and ZiPpo on a yacht we "liberated" from the Kennedy Compound in Taxechussetts. We'd carouse in Costa Rica, peruse the pickings in Puerto Rico, dominate the Dominican Republic, Hell-raise in Haiti, and molest the Virgin Islands. Our holds would be filled with black rum, 25yr old single malt, and Cohibas. The deckhands would all be either tall, dark, and handsome, or comely lasses in great variety (for El Capitan and ZiPpo, or course), all selected for their Special Talents.

Now, time to extend this merriment on to some other deserving blogger. Ah, who in my vile wickedness do I select?

Delftsman, as my Spousal Unit, consider yourself Tagged. And in your company, I also tag Jeremy of American Warmonger because he's such a damned stud, and my Blogson/Nephew Slaglerock because he's a damned stud too. (see a pattern here?)

Now, for you Tagged Folkses, read on below for the list of "If I" possibilities. Pick at least five, and have fun. Then pick your own victims.

Here's the list:

If I could be a scientist…
If I could be a farmer…
If I could be a musician…
If I could be a doctor…
If I could be a painter…
If I could be a gardener…
If I could be a missionary…
If I could be a chef…
If I could be an architect…
If I could be a linguist…
If I could be a psychologist…
If I could be a librarian…
If I could be an athlete…
If I could be a lawyer…
If I could be an innkeeper…
If I could be a professor…
If I could be a writer…
If I could be a backup dancer…
If I could be a llama-rider…
If I could be a bonnie pirate…
If I could be a midget stripper…
If I could be a proctologist…
If I could be a TV-Chat show host…
If I could be an actor…
If I could be a judge…

Posted by Mamamontezz at April 29, 2005 08:57 PM