January 21, 2005
Mama Explains it all to You.
Oh, Mama gets lots of questions these days. Lots and lots of them are questions about things most people with at least three firing neurons have already figured out on their own or with the assistance of one of the many educational men and women at such sites as Gutrumbles, Inblognito, the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, Conservative Insurgent or Blackfive.
Yes, sometimes things are very very hard to figure out on your own, so I will try to make it very very easy for you. Let's put on our Magic Tinfoil Thinking Caps and get started! Wheeee!
Our first question is from Beulah Thatch-Knockerman from Lovell, Mass. She asks:
"If this war isn't evil, then why are the noble Iraqi Rebels fighting us so hard and killing our innocent children? Is it the Bush/Cheney/Halliburton Ogliarchy?"
Actually, Beulah, the only noble Iraqi Rebels are the ones fighting against the hundreds and hundreds of Illegal Immigrants who are trying to take over their country to deny them the right to govern themselves.
Yes, it's true! Sneaky old Jordanians and Syrians and Egyptians and Chechens and Iranians and Saudis keep crossing the border and causing problems for the people who live there, just like here, only different.
And Beulah, they are not killing our innocent children. All of our innocent children are right here in this country. All of the people in Iraq who are wearing our uniforms are Brave Men and Women who have chosen a life in uniform and who have trained hard and are doing exactly what they volunteered to do. When you call them children, you are insulting them and belittling them and their sacrifices. They are not whining crybaby pussies, so you need to quit being one and grow a brain.
Now, Thornton Greentree in East Treestump, Oregon asks:
"Why does the world hate us so much?"
Well, Thornton, to begin with, the world doesn't hate us at all. It is just a big sphere of rock and water and molten magma surrounded by an atmosphere, incapable of feeling in spite of the quaint way in which some mentally ill persons insist that it is a sentient entity. It is incapable of hatred, and therefore does not hate us.
Now, some socialogical groupings hate us, and this is usually because they are like the spoiled little kids on the playground who wear black t-shirts and mope about with dirty hair and hate all the kids who are smart or popular or participate in sports. They don't hate those other kids for any other reason than that they wish they were the smart, popular, or athletic kids and project their own emotional, physical and intellectual inadequacies onto others.
It is pretty much the same flawed mental processes that cause college professors to hate their conservative students, or Michael Newdow to hate having to hear the word God.
Okay, let's have another question. Hmmm... Butterfly Moonbeam Sweeny from Venus Beach, California wants to know:
"How come those Jews are committing acts of terror against those poor Palestinian people?"
Oh, Butterfly, this is a very good question. Let me adjust your Magic Tinfoil Thinking Cap with my handmade cherry Cluebat for this one.
Okay, when she comes around I'll tell little Butterfly that the Jews who live in Israel don't commit acts of terror. By definition, an Act of Terror is a covert act directed against civilians by non-military persons to frighten or terrorize them. The only people in Israel who target civilians (babies, mommies, grandmothers and schoolchildren) are men and women who call themselves Palestinian Freedom Fighters.
Even when the Israeli Defense Force goes into an area full of these bad terrorist men and women, they try very very hard not to hurt anyone who is standing around or just trying to live their lives. But it is very hard to hit these bad people without hitting the innocent people, because the bad people like to use little babies and women as Human Shields.
Do you know what a Human Shield is? It is like when a bad bank robber grabs a hostage to keep the police from shooting. It is like when evil people take over a school and sit in a classroom full of children so the police won't shoot. The Israelis don't use human shields, because it is a Bad Thing. Palestinian Terrorist do use Human Shields becaue they are cowards.
Okay, when Butterfly comes around, someone share your notes with her.
Whew, this wore poor Mama out. It is very hard to state the obvious sometimes, and to do it in a simple way that is easy for some people to understand. Mama needs a tylenol now. So everyone can take off their Magic Tinfoil Thinking Caps now and put them back into the gloveboxes of their Yugos or ancient, rusting Pintos until the next time Mama Explains it all to You.