Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room

Cross posted from the Spousal Unit's blog

I got a call from Delfts this morning letting me know that he may be released on Thursday. His spirits were not good, and honestly I can hardly blame him for that. It's a kick in the teeth to finally admit that a total lifestyle change is in order, especially when one's spouse can be a raving lunatic. It is also very sobering to find out that the disease he has is chronic, cumulative, and typically runs its course in 5 years. If you're lucky.

No salt.
No cigarettes.
No fats.
No caffine.
No lazy days spent entirely either in bed or at the computer.
No excuses.

He will make these changes, or he will die, simple as that.

My submissive, michael, suggested that I get some brochures and ask him go ahead and pick out his urn now in the hopes it will sink in that this is no longer a matter of mind over matter or willing one's self to be well in spite of one's behaviors, not that it ever truly was. Sounds cruel. Sounds tough. Maybe that is what is called for.

Honestly, I do not know what to do.

One thing is for certain, I have made sure that no longer will there be beef in abundance, unfettered use of salt, or rich foods in the house. Gone are the days of bringing in a half pound of 3yr old cheese that should have lasted for a very long time, even when shared by 4 adults, only to find it all gone the next day with nothing remaining but the wax rind on the floor in front of the television. And the days of going to the refrigerator to get a roasted chicken to make dinner and finding nothing but a plastic container of bones and scraps. And the days of bringing home sacks of White Castles. And the days of going to a nice restaurant and ordering the entire menu.

No more "Competitive Eating" as michael has so aptly described it.

So now in anticipation of Delfts' arrival home tomorrow, jane is vacuuming and cleaning and setting up his area in the family room so that he will be comfortable. When I get home from work tonight, we are going to pitch in together to clear out his computer desk area. Then I will go through the kitchen and hide everything that he cannot have. michael and jane have already agreed to keep any Blacklisted Foods that they buy for themselves in their room, and I have a small refrigerator to put in there so that they can.

I know he's extremely frustrated right now, a lot of it with me. I did not visit him for as long or as often as he wanted. Nor did I bring snacks and drinks, or sit and baby him like I have done in the past. I was not the loving and doting wife who plumped pillows and slept in a chair until 3am in case he needed a sip of water or a steadying hand to help him to the bathroom. I didn't because I couldn't.

I just wasn't able to emotionally. There is just too much anger and hurt right now, knowing that other than the waiting, he has ultimately succeeded in his passive suicide. There is too much betrayal from the belief that our marriage and our daughter were not good enough for him to want to make the changes he should have made four years ago at the onset of this, changes that would have allowed him to perhaps see Anna graduate from high school.

Every one of you, look into your mirror and take a long look at the person you see. Look around you at all of the people who's lives you touch every day. Look at your children, at your parents, at your husband or your wife and think about how terrible it would be to lose any one of them. Think of how you would grieve them, mourn their loss, miss them every day. Imagine holidays and birthdays and graduations and weddings without them. No more trick or treating, no more trips to the range, no more silly jokes, no more hugs, no more... life.

Now, put yourself in their shoes and know how your death will affect them.

Don't do to them what is happening here.

Posted by Mamamontezz at March 8, 2006 07:17 PM | TrackBack