August 17, 2005

Excuses, excuses...

This has been an extremely chaotic last few weeks, and it has affected a great many aspects of my life, personal, home, work and work. Another Cotillon has passed, and if not for the goodness of the gracious and ever thoughtful hostesses, I'd have not been included at all.

Anna, my precious girl, has moved in with her older half-sister and her mother to go to school at a better school. She is safer there, as there are adults in the home in the evening who can help her with her school work and be with her. I have been forced to work evenings, and was never seeing her, and as a consequence her grades were suffering as was her emotional state. Delfts and I were both concerned about her safety in the area, and agreed to sign an educational "guardianship" for the school year. It has been pretty awful, not having her around, seeing her asleep when I got home, finding her "experiments" in the kitchen or bathrooms. I hate it that she's gone, but at least she's safe.

Delfts took another step on the way to a decision on his Social Security on the 1st when he took a treadmill EKG at a local hospital. Three minutes into the test, the technician pulled him off the treadmill and made him take nitro tablets. His baseline EKG before the test was already abnormal to the point of concerning her, but then his blood pressure shot to 260+/198 and the poor woman was not happy. She did state that if she were the one making the decision, he'd be on SSD, but sadly she is not. I just wonder what the next test will be. One step closer, how many steps back?

A young man has moved into our home as a means of providing him with a good place to stay while he prepares for college in the spring, as well as giving the household accounts a small and much needed infusion. Chris has been very helpful, working hard in the yard, keeping things picked up, and being good company for Delfts. He has also wasted no time getting applications for jobs in the area, not to mention he thinks he and Delfts may be able to get the "totalled" Chrysler working. I could not have asked for a better person to take the spare room, as I have known and trusted him for a long time and just knew he'd be family in no time.

Work is as stressful as ever, but then again, when is it not? We all deal with personalities and foibles each and every day, and try to move on. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but still we all try. At least my review went better than I had expected, and perhaps the small raise it may entail will not throw me into the next tax bracket. I've had that happen before, and it can certainly ruin one's finances.

We do have water again, and the utilities will be caught up as much as possible on Friday when I'm paid. As long as we can just keep them up, we'll be fine. In the meantime, I'm getting ready to put a few of my 50's era pre-space race home furnishings up for sale. Hopefully, given that they're in good shape, it will give me a little extra for the household. There's a free section of the classified ads now for inexpensive items. Wish me luck on that. And if any of you is near Indy, I have some great Eames era lamps with original shades.

Writing used to be such a release for me, a place for me to explore my mind, my heart, my soul... a place where I could entertain myself and hopefully entertain a few readers as well. Lately, though, I cannot put three words in order on a page and find any pleasure in it. Nothing wants to be written, nothing wants to be written about, and it has been extremely frustrating and brutal. Paper and pen, word and phrase have been my refuge for as long as I can remember, and this has produced such a sense of abandonment as to render me creatively impotent. I had hoped that finding some stability at work and at home would help, but so far all I get are small glimpses of what I want to write, or fleeting glimmers of phrase.

Because of this, I have had nothing to contribute to the Cotillion, something that makes me feel quite small and very inadequate. To have been thought of highly enough to be included, then to be unable to produce anything even remotely suitable has hurt deeply. I do not like feeling that I have let down anyone, much less such a talented and amazing group of women as these women are. Please, take a moment and go to their blogs, because they, at least, are out there slaying the dragons and saving both the Knights and minions in distress the way I should be but oddly cannot. And to you fine women, please accept my apologies and be patient with this insane woman. This too shall pass, I hope, and quickly.

Yes, yes, excuses, excuses. I'm sure this will be sniped at by that delusional Aussie blogger wanabe, but so be it. I had to laugh the other day when Delfts pointed out that I'm back in its sights again. Something about my "strap-on" if I remember correctly. Anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in strap-on devices unless they have ballistic capabilities, and those use a holster, not a harness.

Well, go out and visit the Cotillion. Awesome reads by awesome women. Even if I can't write worth a damn, I can still point at good writing and enjoy it.

Posted by Mamamontezz at August 17, 2005 07:33 PM | TrackBack

First off, good to have you post again, what an awful turn of events. Hope Delfts gets his certification for SSD I've been to the BP's you've noted, deadly serious, I was able to get it under control. Just don't let yourself get stressed to that level either, people who care tend to take on too much responsibility at work. It would be nice if employers recognised and appreciated that, most don't. I sure hope this works out for the better soon. God Bless and stay well.

Posted by: Jack at August 17, 2005 10:16 PM
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