Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room

Breaking News

Helen Thomas was not put on suicide watch today after threatening to kill herself if current Vice President Dick Cheny were to run for President in the 2008 election.

In a statement to The Hill, Ms. Thomas stated, "The day I say Dick Cheney is going to run for president, I'll kill myself. All we need is one more liar." This only brought to light her current efforts to restrict the number of new liars on the Capitol Hill, and to further consolidate her own standing in the District of Columbia Ring of Active Prevaricators (D'CRAP).

When asked for comment, Vice President Cheney was unable to express the humor he found in the situation, although he did manage to say that "now [he] understand[s] that phone call Lynne made to Dick Morris earlier today. Not to mention that mysterious voice mail from the White House printer about the single Yard Sign she had called about."

"Yes," Cheny went on to say, "Lynne is quite the kidder."

In a related story, one bystander was killed, and several mental health workers and an ambulance team were hospitalized this afternoon after a failed suicide intervention on Ms. Thomas.

"It was awful, like something from Jason and the Argonauts," claimed EMS worker Bartholomew Sandusky of Georgetown. "We thought we had her convinced that it was for her own good when suddenlly she turned on us. She pulled off that wig and there were vipers and... We didn't think we'd make it out alive."

"That poor guy outside her office never saw it coming," Sandusky continued. "She blew out of that office and straight at him, and there was just no way he could look away. It was awful. Just awful. I don't think I'll ever forget the sounds of his screams."

The bystander, who's identity has not been released at the family's request, was released to the National Museum and will be part of a future exhibit of modern marble sculptures. A museum spokesperson could not be reached for comment.