July 29, 2005

Breaking News

Helen Thomas was not put on suicide watch today after threatening to kill herself if current Vice President Dick Cheny were to run for President in the 2008 election.

In a statement to The Hill, Ms. Thomas stated, "The day I say Dick Cheney is going to run for president, I'll kill myself. All we need is one more liar." This only brought to light her current efforts to restrict the number of new liars on the Capitol Hill, and to further consolidate her own standing in the District of Columbia Ring of Active Prevaricators (D'CRAP).

When asked for comment, Vice President Cheney was unable to express the humor he found in the situation, although he did manage to say that "now [he] understand[s] that phone call Lynne made to Dick Morris earlier today. Not to mention that mysterious voice mail from the White House printer about the single Yard Sign she had called about."

"Yes," Cheny went on to say, "Lynne is quite the kidder."

In a related story, one bystander was killed, and several mental health workers and an ambulance team were hospitalized this afternoon after a failed suicide intervention on Ms. Thomas.

"It was awful, like something from Jason and the Argonauts," claimed EMS worker Bartholomew Sandusky of Georgetown. "We thought we had her convinced that it was for her own good when suddenlly she turned on us. She pulled off that wig and there were vipers and... We didn't think we'd make it out alive."

"That poor guy outside her office never saw it coming," Sandusky continued. "She blew out of that office and straight at him, and there was just no way he could look away. It was awful. Just awful. I don't think I'll ever forget the sounds of his screams."

The bystander, who's identity has not been released at the family's request, was released to the National Museum and will be part of a future exhibit of modern marble sculptures. A museum spokesperson could not be reached for comment.

Posted by Mamamontezz at July 29, 2005 07:22 PM | TrackBack

How about a spew alert next time? Everybody at my place thought I had gone off the deep end. Thsnks for making my evening surfing worthwhile.

Posted by: Rey at July 29, 2005 07:43 PM


Posted by: Rey at July 29, 2005 07:44 PM


Posted by: Deathknyte at July 29, 2005 09:44 PM

Excellent! LOL!

Posted by: maxxdog at July 29, 2005 09:54 PM


Posted by: olga at July 29, 2005 10:12 PM

Very funny, got quite a laugh.

-The Talent

Posted by: The Triumvirate at July 29, 2005 11:51 PM

You know it's outlandishly funny when you have to invoke a reference to Jason and the Argonauts!

Why one sign? Let's all get some!

We can repeat a fib often enough to make it true just like the dummycrats.

Posted by: TheSev at July 30, 2005 09:19 AM

Well done. Very, very funny (especially the failed suicide intervention bit).

Posted by: Happy Demoness at July 30, 2005 09:37 AM

Very funny, well done, the Dims will think this is a conspiracy. Poor Helen, so much necrosis in such a small space.

Posted by: Jack at July 30, 2005 11:34 AM

What, that was satire??

You mean I spent the last two days buffing this shield to a mirror finish and sharpening my broadsword for nothing?!?!

Posted by: Graumagus at July 30, 2005 12:20 PM

I didnt think any of you Kluxers could write. Or read.

Posted by: OW at July 31, 2005 08:45 AM


you are not are referring to Robert Byrd or are you?

Posted by: Andreas Brecht at July 31, 2005 11:29 AM

Obvious wanker always has to come by and leave his droppings on the floor.Funny Stuff Mama.

Posted by: LC.IB NeilV at August 2, 2005 10:32 AM
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