July 11, 2005
I'm sorry.
I want to apologize for my absence over the last several days. It has been a stressful time and eventually things reached a point where I needed to hide, even from myself, to keep from just losing it.
I wandered into the world of my other self, that stimulating, indulgent netherworld where even someone like me can be accepted and desired and attractive. I found refuge in this place where my words, an assortment of bits and bytes displayed on an everchanging screen, bring me much pleasure and relief from "Real Life" and all it entails.
I wallowed in it, lounged in it, sought and even found both affection and gratification in it. I rejoiced in it, shed tears of ecstacy, joy and anguish in it, and then was forced to leave it and return, to once again find my way back home...
Home.
Where the heart is.
Where responsibilities clutch at my throat and choke the breath from me. Where the news on television taints the hearts and minds of those who have a right to know the truth but are not given it. Where everyone's wants supercede their real needs. Where once there was great pleasure with little pain, but now?
I have been doing some writing, but cannot seem find my voice or my focus. Each time I do find a small quiet whisper of my voice, the surrounding grumbles start and the victims find their voice as well. Soon all the joy is gone. My fiction, my poetry, my blog, all have suffered from the frustration and anger that wells up, so I escape into that annonymous place again for solace and understanding and peace.
Hopefully, things will work out. I have found a young person who needs a safe and caring place to stay, and an opportunity to both go to school and find employment. He will be moving into the unused bedroom at the front of the house and will make this his home for as long as he either needs or wants to stay. He will be helping as much as he can as soon as he has found even menial employment. I trust him to do what he can to help himself and to help me. I cannot do it alone any longer.