Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room

Scrooge, Redux

Ah, just when you need a good laugh, you find one in an improbably place. Isn't that just the way it works?

Today, I found it in the form of a delightful piece at Tech Central Station by Douglas Kern. A Christmas Carol will never be the same for me after reading some of the scenarios Mr. Kern dreamed up. And no one is safe from his sharp wit. Kerry, Edward, Kerik, even zombie maven George A. Romero gets pulled into the mix.

Kinda makes a person wonder how some of my fellow bloggers would have done with the Scrooge story...Hm....I wonder... (hazy dream sequence)

At the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, Scrooge is visited by a Ghost of Christmas Past who looks incredibly like a young Golda Mier, a Ghost of Christmas Present with a remarkable resemblance to Yassir Arrafat's mouldering corpse, and a Ghost of Christmas Future who appears as an amazingly buff and well armed member of the IDF. Christmas Past shows him a summer from his idealist youth spent as a Peace Corps member building a school on a Kibbutz, Christmas Present shows him the idiocy of his stance as a self-loathing, Palestinian-embracing, liberal afraid of his own stereotype, and Christmas Future drags Scrooge to Ramallah and points out a hole and stone right next to Arrafat's. Inscribed on the stone are the letters "F.E.T.E." Scrooge immediately goes back to Synagogue, begins voting conservative, and buys several handguns which he distributes to the Cratchet family over Christmas.

At Gutrumbles, Scrooge gets the ghost of Christmas Past so drunk and stoned that they pass out together in an Effingham County juke joint and miss the appearances of the other ghosts completely. Scrooge then takes Christmas Past with him to Costa Rica and they spend six weeks trying to decide how much to tip the maid if she gives them "Extra" room service.

At Parkway RestStop, Scrooge is taken to the Meadowlands and introduced to the Ghost of Christmas Past who looks remarkably like the elder Jimmy Hoffa. He is given an offer he can't refuse and left there to find his own way home, thereby missing the ghosts of Christmas Present and Future who got tired of waiting for him to return to his condo in Atlantic City.

At Inblognito, the Ghost of Christmas Past shows up at the Queenie McScrooge residence with bag of Maui Wowie and a sterling silver one-hitter. Chirstmas Present brings her significant other, Prudence, and tries to argue about HTML tags and FTP hosts, only to have her latex encased, protoplasmic ass handed to her. Christmas Future staggers in from Costa Rica with a rainbow of 9 different shades of lipstick on his Roscoe. He had spent the last week trying to find out why Christmas Past had such a good time there with that scrawny Jawja Scrooge, only to find out, but now has only a sketchy recollection of events. Queenie McScrooge wakes up 3 days later and doesn't remember any of it, but does acknowledge having some pretty interesting new flashbacks.

In Spatulaville, Christmas Past, Present and Future each are pimp-slapped by Lord Spatula when he mistakes each of them for trolls from the comment threads at both his blog and the Rottie. They stagger from the front porch and fall into the bushes, where the local constabulary find them and mistake them for hippies and arrest them. They are cuffed, stuffed into the backs of three squad cars, and ceremoniously booked, printed, strip-searched, deloused, interrogated, and placed in the tank with 17 members of the Hell's Angels motorcycle gang, Laredo chapter. The next morning, they are found stuffed into the ventilation shaft, through the grate, and are charged with attempting to escape.

At Protein Wisdom, Scrooge consumes Velveta and blackberry jam sandwiches with Boones Farm Sangria in the company of a beautiful, young woman who tells him that she cannot date him. She is, she insists, engaged in a profoundly intimate relationship with the Ghost of Christmas Trout, and so rebuffs Scrooge. Scrooge then drives his vintage AMC Gremlin to Gallup, New Mexico to breakfast on pancakes at Gabriel's Kitchen along a straight stretch of Route 66. He then proceeds to Dallas. There he sits in the easement along the interstate with a steno pad and ultrafine Sharpie and composes haiku about Velveeta and blackberry jam sandwiches and the inhumanity of being in Dallas when the AAA counter girl distinctly stated she was planning his route to Shelbyville, Indiana.

At Emigre with a Digital Cluebat, Scrooge is up watching bondage p0rn when the Ghost of Christmas Past shows up in what he mistakes is a long white nightie. He quickly subdues her, trusses her up, and proceeds to spank her ample bottom until she squeals and begs to be let go. When Christmas Present shows up, he is so shocked at the scene, that he leaves immediately and goes to a gay bath house in Cinncinati for consolation. Christmas Future, however, is undaunted at what he sees, and quickly picks up a smooth leather paddle and joins Scrooge in punishing Christmas Past. Eventually they release her, and she is so grateful that she [CENSORED]. Scrooge and Christmas Future sit down to a bit of single malt, a good Dominican cigar and a discussion on how hard it is to find good submissives these days, while Christmas Past kneels on the floor in the corner awaiting her next command.

Posted by Mamamontezz at December 24, 2004 08:40 PM