December 04, 2004
Breaking Sugar News
ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER PULLED FROM MARKET
Hollywood-Castro Cartel Responsible
In a move that shocked Wall Street, a large international cartel of sugar producing nations announced today that they had purchased the patents for the big three artificial sweeteners and will begin the process of removing them from market immediately.
Stocks plummeted at the news, with soft drink manufacturers Pepsico and CocaCola taking huge hits. Stock in the two companies dropped to less than 50% of their opening prices within 30 minutes of the news. Also adversely affected were diet giants Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig.
Frightened consumers nationwide stormed retailers and wholesale warehouse stores to purchase Equal, Sweet & Lo, and Splenda before it could be pulled from the shelves. Widespread hoarding has been reported, as well as a burgeoning black market with prices as high as $1.00 per packet in rural areas and $5.00 in New York City and Los Angeles.
The cartel, formed by representatives of several large cane sugar growers, refiners, and wholesalers and chaired by Fidel Castro, was the brainchild of several Hollywood activists who saw this as a means of giving Castro the leverage needed to break the current trade embargo with the United States.
"People have done gone crazy," observed Otis Amplebottom of suburban Houston, TX. "I've seen grown men pumping change into Dr. Pepper machines like they was slot machines trying to get every single damned one out. Why, just a few minutes ago at the In & Out, I saw these two big ol' women wras'ling in the drive-up over the itty-bitty Diet Coke what came with a Kiddie Meal. It was terrible, just terrible."
Actor and director Robert Redford, one of the activists instrumental in both the forming the cartel and the legal maneuverings necessary purchase and withdraw the patents, saw this as a great day for Castro and the Cuban people.
"Now, with control over what Americans eat, Popi Fidel, er, I mean the great Cuban people will be able to take their rightful place in the world. I mean, it's not like Hawaii can produce enough sugar cane for New England, much less those fat, sweaty heifers in the Midwest." Redford went on, "Americans eat too damned much, and the world is starving because of it."
"Not to mention the fact that now I won't have to get my cigars smuggled into the country in a diplomatic pouch. Viva La Revolution!"
Police in Boca Raton, FL reported several clashes between obese dieters and persons seen queuing in front of tobacco shops in anticipation of inexpensive legal Cuban cigars. Fighting was fierce, with the dieters easily routing the smokers and sending several to area hospitals.
"Those smokers really never had a chance," stated Boca Raton police spokesman Lt. Clyde Shields. "See, the bikini models and surf chicks teamed up for a big protest march with those overweight, middle-aged women handcuffed to the fence over there. After blocking traffic with their protest, they ran down the block and attacked."
"The little old men in tropical shirts in front of that tobacconist were pelted with devils food Snackwells that the women had stored in their fanny-packs. There was no doubt how it was going to turn out. And each and every one of the women is claiming temporary insanity as their defense. You know, from what I saw when I arrived at the scene, I'd believe them."
As Jackie Gleason would say "How sweet it is". Too funny
Posted by: Jack at December 4, 2004 11:56 PM