December 03, 2004
Breaking News
Hans Blix Declares Chemical Labs Actually Fuel Research Facilities
Hans Blix announced today that the chemical laboratories found in Fallujah during the recent joint operation by the Iraqi National Guard and US Marines were actually a legitimate labs involved in highly specialized alternative fuels research.
"I have it on very good authority from representatives of the Jordanian, Syrian, Saudi and Egyptian UN delegations that these laboratories and many others like them across Iraq are studying very volatile alternate fuel sources," stated former UN weapons inspector Blix at a morning press conference in Paris.
According to his sources, several nations have been actively exploring alternate fuels. Blix pointed out that it makes "perfect sense for oil-rich nations to vigorously pursue these programs." By developing these fuels and patenting them, oil producing nations could effectively block their use from the world market and protect their collective impact on the global economy.
"We have it on very good authority that the Iraqi alternative fuels program, under the direction of Dr. Zarquawi, has made great strides and has actually begun vehicular testing of some of these fuels." Blix went on to commend the "brave test drivers" of these vehicles, calling them "Martyrs of Technology."
"In their quest for scientific knowledge, these brave young men from many nations have willingly converged upon Iraq, willing to load these test vehicles with unstable fuels and drive the roads of Iraq under dangerous conditions. Many have died for their efforts in fiery explosions, often taking the lives of innocent bystanders with them." Blix went on to criticize coalition commanders for labeling these failed experiments as "acts of terror."
"Science is a very risky endeavor. These experiments are costly in terms of human life. But to look at these brave fellows as terrorists is nothing less than an attempt by the United States to legitimize their illegal aggression against the nation of Iraq."
When questioned about the highly explosive nature of the chemicals found, and the written instructions for producing "Bombs," Blix chided, "So they said it was the bomb. Is that not an American hippity-hop slang term for something that is incredibly good?"
On hearing Hans Blix's remarks, Vice President Dick Cheney was so overcome with laughter that his Secret Service detail requested medical assistance. He was transported to Walter Reed Army Hospital as a precautionary measure for observation. He is also said to be undergoing treatment of Dr. Pepper burns in his nostrils.
Poor Dick. lol
You're an excellent writer. Great work!