May 26, 2004

Christian Place Names and the ACLU

In a move that surprised nobody, the ACLU announced today that they have submitted letters to all 50 state legislatures demanding that all city, town, village and berg names taken from biblical sources be changed immediately or face lawsuits.

"The constitution is very clear on this," stated ACLU attorney Walter Loopey. "No state can endorse or imply an endorsement of any organized religion based on the perceptions of a majority of people. Clearly, place names like Salem, Ninevah, Shilo, and Santa Monica are in violation of our constitution."

"When you inflict Judeo-Christian placenames on a population, you alienate all the Wicans, Muslims, Druids and Atheists who call those places home. No one should be made uncomfortable in their chosen community."

Also attached to each letter was a list of suggested new place names which the ACLU decided were less offensive. Sure to be popular choices are such new town names as Smartybum, Rottweiler, Earwax, Pooflinger, and Sithmonkey.

Also, several large corporations have stepped up to help fund any of the expenses incurred in making these name changes by offering endorsement contracts to any cities willing to change their names to Pepsi, Nike, Viagra, Kotex, and Marlboro.

"We are looking at this as an opportunity," said town councilman Mitch Methusela of Saint Joseph, Maine. "Hell, with all the Canadian potatoes being dumped on the U.S. market, this town's economy was in the crapper. We're in negotiations now with Ron Popeil."

"If everything works out, our new town name of Pocket-Fisherman might just help bring in a few tourist dollars. Of course, we'll have to dig a pond for all these tourists to fish in, but that shouldn't cost too much."

Well, don't kid yourselves. It could happen.

Posted by Mamamontezz at May 26, 2004 08:37 PM

Isn't it about time to fix bayonets and clean house at the ACLU, I'm ready for a shootin' revolt in this country.

Posted by: Jack at May 26, 2004 10:22 PM

I hope this was a joke, if not I want an open hunting season on anyone that is a memeber of the ACLU. I would also like a bow only season to make it sporting.

Posted by: James Old Guy at May 28, 2004 09:03 AM
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